2 reasons for doing
J.P. Morgan stated, "A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason."
Classic gendered language, am I right? But we won’t hold that against him this time because I think he’s onto something.
“A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason.”
Why did I go to theater school? Because I wanted to be an artist and tell important stories in a way that only live theater could do.
And because I wanted to be famous.
Why did I quit high school track after my sophomore year? Because I was too busy and I wanted to focus more on academics and theater.
And because I was terrified I wasn’t going to be good enough and scared of how much hard work it would be.
Thinking about my life decisions this way is equal parts enlightening and painful. It’s hard to reconcile that even the most altruistic-seeming decisions probably have an ulterior motive. To be quite honest, I think I’m of the mindset that whether you donated a million dollars to charity out of the goodness of your heart or because you wanted a huge tax write-off, it doesn’t matter. We do things all the time that benefit both the angel and the devil on our shoulder.
Here’s a great one—why’d I spend so many hours on Kiwanis in high school? Because I wanted to volunteer for the community and change people’s lives through service.
And I wanted to get into Northwestern.
The big takeaway that I’ve gleaned from this exercise is that it’s normal to be a little “bad.” Our actions and how we treat people is much more important than whether our selflessness was completely legitimate.
Expecting altruism from humans who have evolved to inherently focus on their own survival seems like the wrong objective. Some selfishness will always be part of the equation and trying to change that will drive us crazy. I’m also by no means saying that we shouldn’t continue to try to prioritize that angel on our shoulder more, mostly because I believe that angel provides higher life-satisfaction.
Yet maybe the most important example in my life comes from fitness.
The “good” reason says that I’m exercising because I want to be dancing at age 100 and I want to do impressive physical feats like an ironman or marathon. I want to exercise because it lowers my risk of chronic disease and I love how it lifts my mood and keeps me mentally healthy.
And I want to look like Henry Cavill.
For the past ten years I’ve preached to my clients that aesthetic goals always come last. In many cases, I’ve vilified these body goals as shallow and immature. Of course, this is pure hypocrisy because the “real” reason I exercise is to look a certain way. And no amount of telling myself otherwise will change that.
Or will it?
Is it possible for the “real” reason for your doing something to eventually flip to the “good” reason? And the “good” reason to flip to the “real” reason?
Is it possible? And if so, is it done by the perpetual hypnotizing of oneself to flip the script?
“Is it possible for the “real” reason for your doing something to eventually flip to the “good” reason? And the “good” reason to flip to the “real” reason?”
I don’t have the data here, so I need your help. I want to understand whether your “good” and “real” reasons are able to change and if so, how to do it. And lastly, I want to know if we should try.
If nothing else, I see immense benefit in participating in the thought experiment.
Decision making without acknowledging the multiple factors feels like driving without headlights. It seems to me that the best thing we can do is admit the “good” and “real” reasons for doing something so that we can make an informed decision of if that action aligns with the type of person you are trying to grow into. If the “real” reason still allows you to grow into that person, it feels like a good bet. But if the “real” reason is completely antithetical to your best you, I’ll let you decide what your next move should be.
